Let’s not look back at 2021. We’ve all had enough year in review, and does 2021 really deserve a highlight reel? After a year of lock-downs, vaccination controversy and one new variant after another, I’m sure all of us are eager to move on to a bright, new 2022 (because so far, it’s looking waaay better!)
Since I’m terrible at predicting the future, I will instead look into my murky crystal ball and... Yes, I can see more clearly now... everything that will definitely not happen in 2022. This, of what I speak, shall never come to pass...
China boycotts its own Winter Olympics. President Xi Jinping becomes disgusted with himself and the way he’s been ruling his country. Upon reflection and hours of meditation, the now-humble dictator decides to reform the courts, close all “re-education” camps, and free Tibet. It’s all very good, but Olympic athletes are miffed. Protests led by figure skaters and bobsledders erupt at Chinese embassies across the globe, proving the Olympics are really all about one thing: Sponsorship deals.
Justin Trudeau calls another snap election. You would have thought he had learned his lesson, but the prime minister is eager to gain a new mandate after nothing has changed. The coronavirus still rages, inflation still rises, and unvaccinated Conservative MPs keep dropping like flies. “I have come to realize that Canadians don’t love elections,” said Trudeau after visiting the governor general at Rideau Hall. “But they still like elections, just not every year. And so we need an election today to prevent another election from happening again next year. Let us move forward together to put a stop to annual elections once and for all!”
Greta Thunberg throws in the towel on climate change. Upon signing a multi-million-dollar deal with ExxonMobil to be their spokesperson, environmentalists question how authentic her beliefs actually were. Others remain convinced she wants to change the system from within. When asked whether she sold out to Big Oil, her response was classic Thunberg: “That’s all you ever ask, but your words are empty. They’re like blah, blah, blah! Now if you’ll excuse me, my private jet is waiting.”
Joe Biden helps Democrats win the midterms. Sliding in the polls for the last half of 2021, the 79-year-old pulls out all the stops in 2022. Actually, he just stops. Seeing the pointlessness of trying to legislate anything new, he begins to understand that Americans don’t actually want anything from their president. They appreciate a regular-looking guy they can have coffee with. Like his predecessor, Biden takes up golf... Then painting with George W. Bush... Then even some light documentary-making with his buddy, Barack Obama. The public is so impressed with the return of Regular Joe that they forget how bad things really are.
The NFL returns to a covid bubble for playoffs – as in, literally, a bubble. You’ve likely heard of the Bubble Boy? Well, this is similar. Shaped like a dome, this hastily assembled plastic protuberance in the Arizona desert will keep players safe from the Omicron variant that has decimated teams in recent weeks. Upon the medical advice of Aaron Rodgers, the league has decided to allow the unvaccinated to play with the vaccinated, so long as they don’t breathe in one another’s faces. Face-to-face tackles are now prohibited.
Donald Trump goes into therapy. After being diagnosed with a number of neurotic issues, like losing the ability to talk about himself in the third person, the former president has begun live therapy sessions with Dr. Phil. “It’s Apprentice Number Two!” writes a television critic for US Weekly. “But instead of a shrewd billionaire, we now see the human behind the red tie – Trump’s small, suffering inner child.” Televised daily, the former president’s self-esteem (and narcissism) is quickly revived as the show’s ratings sky rocket.
Last, but not least, the pandemic ends. With a whimper, not a bang, the last covid variant to spread through the world is appropriately called Omega. Rich in fatty acids, this variant actually improves one’s health, reducing the risk of hospitalization and heart disease. For the first time, the vaccinated regret their decision to get eight doses of vaccine. The main thing is, no one dies.
We can only hope. Happy New Year!
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