I’m oddly comforted by the suggestion that this could be the lowest point in my life.
Could be. I understand it could get worse. One must always be open to worsening possibilities.
For now, I try to be optimistic. The way out of it, I’m told, is simple: To persevere – to look on the bright side when things look darkest. In other words, become your twenty-year-old self.
In our twenties, we have our whole life ahead of us and with that comes optimism. We’re generally quite happy about seemingly endless possibilities. Our thirties are tougher but not unsurmountable. One might start a family and advance one’s career; any rough patches are simply part of life’s upward struggle.
But one’s forties are different. At a time when one’s career might be in full bloom, when the kids are more independent, when things should be settling down... we might get stuck in a trough of self-defeat.
In his book, The Happiness Curve: Why life gets better after 50, Jonathan Rauch explains that for the majority of people worldwide, age 45-50 is the low point in life. It’s the bottom of our personal U-shaped happiness curve.
It’s midlife crisis territory, even though this much-mocked crisis doesn't usually involve a red sports car. This period in one’s life is not typically characterized by a crisis nor acute depression, explains Rauch, but rather by chronic dissatisfaction. Things don’t seem as great as they once were and life may not feel like it will get much better.
But it will. At least according to the research. In almost every country surveyed (except Russia, interestingly), people tend to start feeling better at around age 50. And it just keeps getting better (again, unless your Russian). Amidst worsening health outcomes and all the problems associated with ageing, men and women are generally happier as they enter their senior years.
It goes against all cultural stereotypes. We tend to harbour a negative view of aging, thinking it must bring more misery than joy. Yet I know from my own experience, people in their sixties and seventies tend to be kinder, more generous and generally happier than people my age. They are also wiser.
Read some of the life lessons offered by actor Anthony Hopkins, which was recently passed on to me, as he lives through his 80s:
- I compliment freely & generously. Compliments cheer up not only the recipient, but me as well.
- I’m learning not to be embarrassed by my emotions. My emotions make me human.
- I realized it's better to lose the ego than to end the relationship. My ego will keep me away, while in a relationship I’ll never be alone.
- I have learned to live each day as if it were my last. After all, it may be the last.
If this isn’t a recipe for healthier, happy living, I’m not sure what is. Yet it likely took him a lifetime to learn these.
There’s something revealing about his last point: living every day as though it is your last. Until we hit 50, we tend not to think about end of life. We might be more aware of our mortality, but rarely do we think today could be our last day on earth. The older we get, the more we realize we must milk each day for all it’s worth.
This could partially explain why 80-year-olds (statistically) are just as happy as 20-year-olds, or why my 99-year-old grandmother (100th birthday coming up next weekend – Happy Birthday, Grandma!), is one of the happiest people I know. But it’s still largely a mystery.
Rauch offers some explanations as to why happiness is strongly correlated with age but admits that the hard evidence is lacking. The purpose of his book is not to explain it all, but to provide hope. The best medicine for someone in midlife can simply be knowing things will get better.
Fear not, forty-somethings, old age really can be golden.
