Well-groomed candidates gaining appeal

            You know political advertisements are having an impact when your eight-year-old starts reciting them.

            “The budget will balance itself,” she likes to tell us. “We know what happened in Greece.”  Uh-huh…

            She also likes to bring up the “McDuffy trial” to get some laughs.  I’ll take any humour I can get during this long election campaign.

            I’m also looking forward to a little more variety in political advertising come September.  And I’m not talking about eight new versions of the “Justin’s just not ready” spot. 

            Judging by the bombardment of these ads, the Conservatives are still hopping scared of Trudeau.  He still has the potential to break through given his charisma and boyish good looks and yes, let’s not forget the nice hair.

            As for the guy with the beard, well, he’s slightly ahead in the polls, but few know his name outside Quebec.  Maybe that won’t matter as Canadians seem keen on trying a new political flavour this election, that being orange.

            The Liberals and NDP, who don’t have enough money to charter their own jets yet, are looking like the true underdogs in the race, which could help their cause down the road.  While money certainly helps, it can’t buy a campaign.

            What money can’t stop are the external factors that campaigns have no control over. For Harper, it’s the “McDuffy trial.”  For everyone else, it’s the economy. 

            You can tell Harper is a little excited about the recent downturn in the world economy by the way he now poses questions to himself.  Since reporters are too hung up on a certain entitled senator, apparently he now asks his own questions at press conferences.

            I haven’t heard it verbatim, but I’m sure Harper’s exchange with himself goes something like this: 

Question: “Stephen, I’ve been wondering, what do you think about the recent economic uncertainty and the general darkness that’s overcoming the Earth?  Do you think the other leaders have what it takes to get Canada through these dark, fearful times?” 

Answer: “That’s a great question, Stephen, thank you for that.  Quite frankly, I’m afraid Mr. Mulcair will spend all the surplus cash we’ve accumulated over our time in power (ahem) and spend it frivolously on things that people don’t want.  Obviously, this man has a beard and can’t be trusted.  And as for little Justin, quite frankly, he would struggle to manage his kids’ lemonade stand…  Nice hair though!”

            To which the press would erupt in a chorus of laughter at his impeccable East Indian accent. (Okay, that's taking it a bit too far.)

All kidding aside, Harper is probably the only prime minister in Canadian history who welcomes an economic downturn during an election campaign.  It tells you he has an uphill battle to fight.

Voters are entering the nine-year itch of the electoral cycle.  This is a dangerous time for any sitting politician.  No matter who it is in power, everyone else suddenly starts to look better, and voters are beginning to flirt with some other well-groomed candidates.

Only one question remains: Will it be the man with the beard or the man with the hair?

Given the facial hair trends as of late, I’m placing my bets on the beard.

The making of a perfect driver

            When you teach someone to drive, you must first re-learn the rules.  These are the rules you will need to obey to get your driver’s license, after which you can unlearn them:

·         Stop before the stop sign, not two feet after.

·         Come to a complete stop, not a nice smooth rolling stop.

·         Keep both hands on the wheel – no wrist driving or one-handing it.

·         Shoulder-check endlessly until your neck hurts.

·         Don’t speed up when the traffic light turns amber – actually stop.

·         Above all, and this is the hardest one, NEVER exceed the speed limit.

While there is certainly merit to knowing the real rules of the road, we all know something different happens as soon as you get your license.  Drive the speed limit and you’ll hear it soon enough from other drivers.  Slam on the brakes for an amber light and you might just get rear-ended.

While most of us don’t want to become jerk drivers, we do want to “keep up with traffic” and, well, avoid any obscene gestures.

My nephew knows all about this.  Even with a large “LEARNER DRIVER” sign pasted on our back window, he would get the occasional honk from drivers who desire a little more aggression on the road.  One time it even came from a fellow learner driver.  Apparently this young woman thought a honk would help us do a better parallel park.

No, it’s not easy when you’re first learning to drive because there are too many of us out there who have driven for too long.  While we all know it’s better to err on the side of caution when driving, that thinking gets thrown out the window when we hit the streets five minutes late for an appointment.

I also know how easy it is to criticize every driver I see make a bone-headed mistake, then make that same mistake a few minutes later.  'Oops, sorry for cutting you off,' I apologize in my head, 'but nothing a friendly wave can’t fix!'  If you, on the other hand, cut me off, I’ll be tail-gating you for the next ten blocks.  More often than not, my Christian values are placed in the glove box when I get behind the steering wheel. 

These, of course, are not the traits I want to instill on my dear nephew or daughter when I teach them how to drive.

Learner driver no more!

Fortunately, my nephew exhibits none of the same aggressive tendencies.  His sense of caution, while at times testing my patience, kept my car scratch-free through five months of driver training.  (“Okay, now give 'er!” is probably something you don’t normally hear from a driver instructor.)

Caution also helps pass driver exams.  When it came to the road test last week, he did what every learner driver dreams of - he drove the perfect drive. Yes, no demerits.  How does one pass the first time with no demerits??  While I was incredibly happy for him, I couldn't help but feel a little envious of his instant success.

I was awarded nine demerits, one short of failing my exam.  Even though I passed, I felt like a failure after my examiner reamed me out for not making smooth lane changes.  In a town with no traffic lights, that’s embarrassing.

“Driving is a privilege,” he lectured, “and your license can be taken away at any time.  Do you know that?  Do you know you could be hauled in to take a test at any time?”

Uh-huh...  Maybe when I’m 90.  That’s when I expect my daughter to report me to the authorities for reckless old-man driving.  I don’t foresee myself giving it up easily, but I’m sure the keys will be forcibly pulled from my hands.

It’s usually for the best.  Rules, and reaction time, change a lot in 74 years.

I’ll have a double-double tax credit with my income splitting, please

            I’m becoming a consumer voter. An entitled taxpayer. A “What’s in it for me?” citizen. 

            I never thought the day would come.

            But as I peruse each party’s platform this election, I find myself examining them purely in self-interest, like I’m scanning a menu at Tim Horton’s.

            Hmmm… income splitting is certainly good for my single-income family – I’ll take one of those.

            The Canada Child Benefit looks okay…. Probably richer than the universal child care benefit.  Give me two.  Oh, I have to have two kids?  Okay, one is fine.

            Fifteen-dollar-a-day daycare looks interesting but not relevant to me…  I’ll pass.

            Home renovation tax credit?  Terrible public policy, but yes, I’ll take that as well.

            And so on it goes.  The politicians have created a new suite of goodies for the middle class.  They’ve come up with a host of tax credits and subsidies that funnel your taxes back into your pocket.  Do you deserve it?  Of course you do! 

            Our society has become so consumer-oriented and lethargic, in some cases, that these are the only things keeping us interested in way-too-long election campaign. 

One could take the perspective that this is simply a reflection of our country’s stability.  While some countries have real issues to deal with, like whether or not to declare bankruptcy, we’re debating whether we want a home improvement tax credit or a bigger monthly cheque for our child’s activities.  Yes, it’s tough to be a Canadian.

            Just ask my nephew from Ukraine, who’s willing to leave everything behind for the opportunity to work and live in Canada.  He’ll tell you we have nothing to worry about.  No wars, no economic collapse, no political upheaval.  “It’s Can-A-da” he likes to say (with special emphasis on the “a”) when commenting on the many trivial issues we like to debate.

            Now if he can just jump through the many hoops of our immigration system, he’ll be readier than many Canadians to contribute to our society. 

            So the good news is we’re doing pretty good here in Canada.  The bad news is these election goodies can create a short-sighted approach to our future.  Whether it’s growing the economy or action on climate change, our focus becomes misplaced on what we can gain from the system today. 

And with each of these mini-tax breaks comes a cost, both bureaucratic and economic. If tax breaks are really what citizens want, why not just lower income tax rates and let people spend on what they want and need?   Or put the money into public programs that work but require greater funding.

            Despite four years of significant federal cutbacks, budget deficits and a current economic downturn, all leaders are acting like we’re awash in cash.  If we took the time to actually cost out the goodies, we might just realize that our funds could be spent better elsewhere or maybe not at all.

            And we might even turn our attention to bigger things... like whether the Blue Jays can make a run for the World Series.  Hey, even I'm back on that bandwagon.

My child protigy brings humility to my heart

            “I don’t mean to brag but…” began my daughter, hesitantly.  Nearly whispering, she continued, “…but I’m the best tennis player in my class.”

            As much as I discourage bragging, I let this one go.  When it comes to athletics, she can brag all she wants because well, it doesn’t happen very often.

            Is that a crushing indictment of my little eight-year-old’s athletic abilities?  I hope not to sound too cruel.  Let’s just say the athletic gene is a recessive one in this family.

            But tennis… now that could be something entirely different.  Here is a sport that requires something more than just being able to run fast or jump high or even… skate.  Perhaps that’s why I could somewhat excel at racquet sports when in most other sports coaches preferred me as a spectator.  It’s funny how those bad experiences on sports teams never leave your memory, like the time my eighth grade basketball coach (who’s a woman) yelled at me, “You’re playing like a girl!”  Ouch.  While my daughter may indeed play like a girl because she is a girl (which by the way, is an awfully sexist insult even by 1980s standards), she probably won’t be the star of her sports team, that’s all I’m saying.

But tennis could be different… And now I can suddenly relate to the fanatical parents at hockey games who squeal with joy when their son (or daughter) scores that winning goal. When I hear her tennis instructor say that my child has the most amazing backhand, I nearly become teary-eyed, emotions of fatherly pride overwhelming me.

            Yes, it’s a new experience for me.  As someone who takes for granted his child’s achievements in school, questioning why his daughter only got 96% on her math exam, this feeling of pride is uncharted territory.  It’s really humbling (boy, do I hate it when people say that!)

            What I really want is to see her have the opportunity I never got while learning how to play on a cracked, weed-infested court in small-town Saskatchewan.  It was fun for sure, but like most children raised in the harsh prairie climate, where only three months of good tennis weather ever exists, I was never taught technique.

            I got my first glimpse of real technique when one of our Japanese students joined me for a game.  She was a slight build, but what she lacked in power she more than made up for with a graceful swing that rarely broke form, even on the most challenging balls.

            Don’t get me wrong, I still beat her.  And she wasn’t very much interested thereafter to play with me.  But it was in that game I realized how much I wanted, if anything, to have my own daughter display that same advanced skill and grace on the court.

            It sounds like she may be well on her way, driving balls harder than the other kids in her class and even running a little (yes, stamina is something we’ll have to work on). 

Of course I’ll temper my enthusiasm and not go overboard.  You know, I’d hate to become of those parents.  We'll take it slow.  I don’t have my sights set on Wimbledon or anything.  Provincial finals maybe, but that’s at least a couple years down the road.