I have a feeling 2018 is going to be a very interesting year. Not necessarily for the things that will happen, but for the things that won't. Once again, these are my prognostications of what will not come to pass in the new year...
Justin Trudeau will re-visit the Aga Khan's private island in the Bahamas. After a year of being dragged over the coals by the opposition, the press, and his wife (just guessing), he craves some Aga Khan time. He even videos himself flying high in a helicopter with his billionaire buddy, just to rub it in the Ethics Commissioner's face. He doesn't even apologize.
Conservative leader Andrew Scheer, otherwise known as "Harper with a smile," will draw upon his inner-most growly self to look truly disgusted with his Liberal adversaries. He will look so adorably mad that you will want to reach out and pinch those little dimples in his cute little cheeks, oh yes you will, oh yes you will!
The new NDP leader... The guy with the turban, the one who replaced the guy with the beard – you know, the one with the beard but without the turban – that guy will lead a political resurgence in rural Alberta, capturing the heart and mind of every redneck on the Prairies. It will be epic, Bernie Sanders style.
Star Wars will try to tone down its marketing appeal by not releasing another movie before Christmas. This also will be epic.
This year's Oscars will be even more entertaining than in 2017. Host Jimmy Kimmel will forget his lines, a camera will fall from the ceiling, and as per tradition, the wrong Best Picture will be announced. This will be followed by a small scuffle on stage – some pushing and shoving, some yelling of obscenities – an event that will become known as the Best Picture Scrum, where actors and directors duke it out in (mostly) playful banter before the correct Best Picture is revealed. It's the only way to rescue a show that's long overdue for a remake. Who has a four hour attention span these days, anyway?
In sports, the NFL comes out with a new product called the Knee Kaep. In honour of Colin Kaepernick, one of the first players to kneel during the singing of the national anthem, the league decides to mass-market soft, anti-bacterial kneeling pads to the public (with your favourite team's logo on them, of course). They become so popular, even vice-president Mike Pence buys one - then promptly returns it after his boss tells him to.
Flying taxis will be the new thing in 2018, scooping up individuals like hovering spacecrafts, tearing up the skies from airports to train stations to... Oh wait, they really will be a thing... Flying taxis in skies by 2018, says Airbus (CNBC headline).
The #MeToo campaign fizzles. Let's hope not, but all indications are that the public is fed up with the flack misogynist men have had to deal with in the last year. I mean, it really has been a bummer for them, damaging their reputations and ending their high-paying jobs; all for just ruining women's lives. It's come to the point where a man can't even crudely brag about his unwanted sexual advances anymore...
Speaking of Donald Trump, sensibility will overcome the White House in 2018. After a year of chaos, Trump finally realizes it's all about him – or rather, his over-sized hands. They were simply too big for his little phone, you see, which caused untold angst and frustration. These feelings of helplessness forced him to lash out through Tweets in mean and absurd ways. After receiving therapy (many hours of therapy) and a laptop with a full-sized keyboard, his Tweets become considerate, sensible and even witty. And to think we were this close to a nuclear holocaust.
And finally, 2018 will mark the year that people put down their phones and start to pay attention to one another. Peace, love and harmony will reign supreme. It will be the dawn of a new era (or at least be more like the nineties).
Happy New Year!!
