What not to expect in 2017

It's that time of year again, when prognostications abound; when wild-eyed futurists suggest what the new year will hold. I never was very good at predicting events, so once again, I will project far, far into the future and propose what won't happen in 2017. As with all news expected in 2017, there's one common theme... 

Donald Trump becomes president of the United States. Oops, sorry, that's actually gonna happen. Never in a million years did I think it would, but it will. After all the mockery Canada received for Rob Ford, the U.S. will finally get its due. All I will say is, it will be entertaining. 

The world comes to an end. Thought I'd get that one out of the way, too. As much as we like to say it's as bad as it can get, it can always get worse. 

Justin Trudeau gets invited to a second U.S. state dinner, this time hosted by Ivanka Trump. Ivanka, the new pseudo-first lady, takes a liking to Trudeau and his liberal ways. Rumours abound that the two are having an affair, an idea that is quickly quashed when her father tweets: "Ivanka duped Prime Minister of Canada into giving up all their fresh water. All for some hanky panky in the Oval Office! Canadians so gullible!!!" 

A dog rides alone in a self-driving car from Seattle to San Diego. The trip is ultimately successful, despite the soiled upholstery and mangled dash. While animal rights activists protest the solitary confinement, they concede that this is one step closer to species equality. 

A Canadian hockey team makes the playoffs. Admittedly, this could possibly happen.

Pokemon Go, a popular interactive game in 2016, is followed by Pokemon Get in 2017. Instead of chasing after Pokemon characters across cities, participants are encouraged to find and photograph miscellaneous items for points. The game is abruptly removed after Russian hackers promote the "getting" of classified U.S. information. One CIA agent hits an all-time record in points before he's hauled away in cuffs. In response to the scandal, President Trump tweets: "Russia blamed again for America's addiction to video games. Sad. Just texted Putin, said there's nothing to worry about. Such a beautiful man!!" 

Star Wars comes out with another prequel to its last sequel. Hans Solo returns from the dead – correction – he's still alive because it's a prequel to the one where he died, but he's older because, well, Harrison Ford aged. Chewbacca looks the same because he always looks the same. Must be a Wookie thing. We're also introduced to Darth Vader's kid – correction – his grandson, the kid Luke Skywalker had with Leia, who turns out to not be his sister after all (ahem, spoiler alert). 

                                                            

Cable TV makes a resurgence as a result of a new reality TV show called Trumped Up. Played on all networks for three hours a day, the show mesmerizes audiences across the world as the public gains unprecedented access to the affairs of the White House. Through it all, both Trump and the public remain unsure of what's real and what's made up.  

Netflix ends its long run after House of Cards unexpectedly folds like a... well, you know. The public has a new political drama to watch. 

Happy New Year!!

When all else fails, try choir therapy

I had only one condition for joining a choir. It can't interfere with my Sunday football. Thanks to PVR, so far, so good. I haven't missed a Packers game yet. 

When my wife proposed I join a choir, I admit, I balked at the thought. My days of music were long past. You're talking about a guy who hasn't touched a piano in earnest since his only piano exam in 1991. I rarely listen to music on the radio and have no idea who most artists are, other than a few bands from the 1980s (I went through a brief head-banging phase). I like Johnny Cash, but that's all I care for country. I can sit through a symphony orchestra, but it's a battle. 

I sang in a high school choir, so it's not like I'm tone deaf or can't hold a tune. I just haven't felt the need. It's a rare thing to have an urge to sing in a choir.  

Being in a "mature" adult choir is a little different than in high school, but not much. The guys still goof off, while the girls "shush" them. Our choir director has to call us to attention at least five times a practice because of our incessant chatting. We even got reprimanded the day before our Christmas performance. Our very sweet, very understanding choir director gave us an ultimatum: we could either continue to ignore her conducting and be an embarrassment to our friends and family, or we could look up every now and then and sound somewhat respectable. Of course she said it in much nicer terms than my high school choir director would have – we are adults, after all – but it brought back such fond memories.  

In the past, choirs used to be more popular. Almost every church had one. Coming from a Mennonite background, to sing was the thing. If you didn't know four-part harmony, some might question your heritage. 

Today most evangelical churches sing songs in unison and most people wouldn't know what a tenor or alto is. It's a little sad, because as I've learned this past fall, there's something therapeutic about singing in a choir. 

It was in September that I got a little down. Now usually I like September – the weather is still nice, the leaves are changing colours, harvest is underway, and football season is in full swing. What more could one ask for in life? But this year for some unknown reason I found myself in a funk (also a Mennonite name). 

 Then I went to choir practice. I kid you not, after one practice, it felt like I'd taken a couple Prozac (I'm guessing the effects are the same). It's choir therapy, I tell you, and there are no side effects, other than some minor irritation of the vocal chords. 

I'm sure you've heard how music boosts brain development in children. Studies have shown that kids who play musical instruments are more academically advanced than kids who don't. There's also a psychological effect; music has been shown to improve one's mood, reduce stress and anxiety and even reduce the risk of heart disease. Endorphins play a role, giving your brain that natural high, similar to the effect of eating chocolate and exercising, among other things. It's that top-of-the-mountain kind of feeling. 

It's the feeling we had after our Christmas concert. There's satisfaction in achieving something with a group. As kids, you get many opportunities to participate in teams and group activities, but as adults, these opportunities are far and few between. Most of us, myself included, don't realize the positive impact they can have on our well-being. 

Not all of us can sing, and I certainly don't recommend any tone-deaf jocks joining our choir (we had a few of those back in high school). But if you can carry a tune and you're feeling kind of down, I have two words for you in the new year: choir therapy. 

Merry Christmas!