What not to expect in 2017

It's that time of year again, when prognostications abound; when wild-eyed futurists suggest what the new year will hold. I never was very good at predicting events, so once again, I will project far, far into the future and propose what won't happen in 2017. As with all news expected in 2017, there's one common theme... 

Donald Trump becomes president of the United States. Oops, sorry, that's actually gonna happen. Never in a million years did I think it would, but it will. After all the mockery Canada received for Rob Ford, the U.S. will finally get its due. All I will say is, it will be entertaining. 

The world comes to an end. Thought I'd get that one out of the way, too. As much as we like to say it's as bad as it can get, it can always get worse. 

Justin Trudeau gets invited to a second U.S. state dinner, this time hosted by Ivanka Trump. Ivanka, the new pseudo-first lady, takes a liking to Trudeau and his liberal ways. Rumours abound that the two are having an affair, an idea that is quickly quashed when her father tweets: "Ivanka duped Prime Minister of Canada into giving up all their fresh water. All for some hanky panky in the Oval Office! Canadians so gullible!!!" 

A dog rides alone in a self-driving car from Seattle to San Diego. The trip is ultimately successful, despite the soiled upholstery and mangled dash. While animal rights activists protest the solitary confinement, they concede that this is one step closer to species equality. 

A Canadian hockey team makes the playoffs. Admittedly, this could possibly happen.

Pokemon Go, a popular interactive game in 2016, is followed by Pokemon Get in 2017. Instead of chasing after Pokemon characters across cities, participants are encouraged to find and photograph miscellaneous items for points. The game is abruptly removed after Russian hackers promote the "getting" of classified U.S. information. One CIA agent hits an all-time record in points before he's hauled away in cuffs. In response to the scandal, President Trump tweets: "Russia blamed again for America's addiction to video games. Sad. Just texted Putin, said there's nothing to worry about. Such a beautiful man!!" 

Star Wars comes out with another prequel to its last sequel. Hans Solo returns from the dead – correction – he's still alive because it's a prequel to the one where he died, but he's older because, well, Harrison Ford aged. Chewbacca looks the same because he always looks the same. Must be a Wookie thing. We're also introduced to Darth Vader's kid – correction – his grandson, the kid Luke Skywalker had with Leia, who turns out to not be his sister after all (ahem, spoiler alert). 

                                                            

Cable TV makes a resurgence as a result of a new reality TV show called Trumped Up. Played on all networks for three hours a day, the show mesmerizes audiences across the world as the public gains unprecedented access to the affairs of the White House. Through it all, both Trump and the public remain unsure of what's real and what's made up.  

Netflix ends its long run after House of Cards unexpectedly folds like a... well, you know. The public has a new political drama to watch. 

Happy New Year!!