Just one more COVID-19 update

COVID-19 updates are coming fast and furious, all into my email inbox. 

Honda let me know they’ll deliver parts if I need them... to my doorstep. What I’ll do with them once delivered, I have no idea. There must be a YouTube video on how to install new brake pads, but do I really trust myself? As someone who dismantled my entire headlight to replace a bulb... no, I don’t. 

My internet/cable provider assures me I will have broadband internet long into the future, and even extra channels free of charge. Why not just throw in free cable? What a great time to foster former addictions. 

Some store I bought shoes from in Vancouver is closing until April. Good to know. I had no idea they had a store in Vancouver. I'll continue to purchase online. 

My masseuse said she won’t give massages again until April 24th. I seriously wish she would reconsider. My back is killing me after sitting for hours on end in my easy chair (surprisingly, it’s not that comfortable!) 

And then there’s A&W.... Drive-through only?? Okay, I can live with that. You don’t have to send me an email though. I would figure it out. 

My anti-virus software company’s update was more useful. They tell me hackers are taking advantage of the pandemic to spread digital viruses. They use fake websites to install malware and pretend to be vendors selling virus protection supplies like face masks and hand gels. Very disconcerting, because in times of panic, you know they’ll have success. 

But by far the best updates have come from Galen Weston, CEO of Loblaws (i.e. Superstore). In a very comforting, reassuring way, he told me that I should not worry (in fact, he said it a few times). They will continue to restock their shelves. They will provide for seniors during certain times of the day. They will not increase their prices.  

“Be kind,” he writes. “We will get through it.” How is that the CEO of a grocery store chain can make me feel so relieved? Maybe I’m more anxious than I care to admit. 

Because what he’s really saying is: “Rest assured, more toilet paper is coming.” 

That counts for a lot. 

Have you run out yet?

My last and final COVID-19 update

This will be my final COVID-19 update. 

After posting this entry, I will be descending into a 1973 bunker built beneath my house for an indefinite period of time. Sometimes called a basement, it comes equipped with a bathroom, a 55-inch TV, and a self-reclining la-Z-boy. 

In my inglorious hide-a-way, I will have enough toilet paper to last 24 years. Food, on the other hand, I will have to learn how to ration. 

No, I have not tested positive for the coronavirus. In fact, I have not even been tested. Even though I have been in contact with people who say they might have seen someone with the virus. They heard someone cough. They saw someone look at them with a feverish grin. 

I know I’m not sick. And even if I were, I would battle through it. I’m uniquely built to resist new unknown pathogens. I’m the 98%. 

Still, it was all getting to be too much – the Costco hordes, the concert cancellations, the ridiculously long lines to wash hands. I had to get away. 

So I went to the grocery store, cleared the shelves of all spam and ketchup chips (the only foods left), and headed for my secure hole in the ground. 

During my time away, I will not have contact with my family or Facebook friends. I will limit myself to light web browsing and texting, so that my fingers remain strong and nimble, capable of tearing through the plastic encasing each six-pack of toilet paper.    

My exercise regime will consist of walking to the bathroom (where I will use toilet paper quite liberally and excessively), and walking back to my la-Z-boy, at least seven times a day. Minor push-offs from the recline position of my la-Z-boy will also be required to ensure my legs do not lose muscle mass. 

My food will not require heat or refrigeration (spam is an amazing food) and my drink will consist of only tap water, something I have been building immunity to for the past three months. The lead content is low enough to not harm me, at least not until much later. 

I have an abundance of Tylenol Cold and Flu, including Children’s Cold and Flu (it was the last one) in case I should contract my own virus while in isolation. I also have three crates of Kleenex, the last ones available in Costco (don’t worry, they’ll get another shipment...) 

I have seven radon detectors set up in key points of my bunker, all collecting valuable data on the amount of radiation I will absorb through the concrete walls I will be enclosed within. This will be valuable information for when I enter detox, or when I want to sell my home. 

My time underground will not be wasted. It will require extreme diligence. Switching back and forth from Fox News and CNN every five minutes, each and every day, I will implement an ingenius method to decipher real news through an apolitical lens. 

I will analyze every twitch and strange comment made by Mike Pence and Donald Trump, as I decipher when it could, when it might (if ever) be safe to go upstairs again. Hand-shake or elbow-bump? Keep calm or run for the hills? Was Pence blinking Morse code? Is it a cry for help, or a message that we are all infected? (As additional research, I will watch all ten season of the The Walking Dead.) On slow days, I will follow Canadian news.

I will do all this – make this great sacrifice – for the good of society. But mostly for the good of me – and oh yes, my family. 

They will await my safe return.

Clocks and cows not made for time change

In Canada, we’re long past the medicare-for-all debate. That was so 1960s. We’re onto the next great endeavour: Daylight saving time forever! 

And as usual, Saskatchewan is leading the nation. If B.C. becomes the first of many to follow our lead this spring, to adopt permanent daylight saving time (DST), then the change-your-clocks-twice-a-year debacle will finally be a thing of the past. 

No one wants it anymore. 93% of BC residents said they don’t want to change their clocks. Alberta (along with many U.S. states) is also looking at scrapping it. I’m quite convinced that most of the world hates it. 

So why do we have it? There are countless theories as to why DST was implemented in the first place. They range anywhere from conserving energy to keeping us (and the cows) on a natural rhythm. 

But as the “pilot project” in Saskatchewan has so aptly demonstrated, it’s all smoke and mirrors. Our biological and other rhythms are functioning splendidly. Sure, some people call us backwards, but that has nothing to do with us not changing time. Our cows still produce their milk, our seniors still wake up in the morning (most of the time), and our children grow up straight as an arrow. 

Sure, there are critics. One doctor suggested our circadian rhythm is impacted when we stay on DST in the winter time. She said it's not good for us to go to school and work when it’s dark. And to that I respond, Where are you from? Most Canadians wake up for half of the year without the sun shining. We have these things called headlights on our cars, which guide us to buildings that have artificial lighting and abundant heat. Then the sun rises and we all wake up.

What’s worse is  having the sun pierce through my drapes at five in the morning, a killer for anyone over the age of 40. Unlike my daughter, who can wake up at 8 am and fall right back to sleep, I lie awake in the early hours of dawn, wondering what I’m going to do with my day... and my life. It’s the worst feeling ever.

 Most people agree that sunlight in the evening is preferable to sunlight in the morning. In fact, there are people from Saskatchewan who actually want to augment our DST by adopting double DST. I know, it’s crazy. They want the sun to set at midnight in June! That’s how much we like our sunlight in the evenings.

If you look at the literature (and I’ve read the entire Wikipedia entry on DST), changing the time twice a year results in very little energy savings. Savings in the evenings are wiped out by losses in the mornings, and vice-versa in winter.  

But the greatest danger is to human health. People get on average 40 minutes less sleep when changing the time in spring, causing an increase in vehicular accidents, workplace injuries and even heart attacks and strokes. One study out of the U.K. showed there was an 11% increase in traffic accidents for two weeks after the spring time change. It just goes to show how much we need our sleep. 

So come on, Canada, join the good feeling Saskatchewan folks feel twice a year, when most of the world changes their clocks and we simply shrug. 

Not even the cows complain.

Your unofficial COVID-19 update

Last week we received an email from our prospective ESL student from Japan. It began with, “I regret to inform you...” I’m sure you can figure out the rest.  

COVID-19, as they’ve coldly termed it, is impacting us all.  

If you’re like me, you’ve probably been learning a lot about viruses lately. I wrote in a past blog about how little I knew about this and other viruses, and even suggested the common flu was more worrisome.  

I apologize, for I was quite wrong. The common flu, although still deadly, has a mortality rate of 0.1%, while the new coronavirus kills 10 to 20 times the number of people it infects (1-2%).  

That's a high enough percentage to be worrisome. The infamous Spanish flu had a similar mortality rate in 1918, and its effects were felt throughout the world. Almost as many Canadians died from the Spanish flu as Canadian soldiers died in World War I. Granted, that was before modern healthcare. 

And there’s another key difference. Unlike the Spanish flu, which killed healthy adults under the age of 65, COVID-19 mortalities are highest in the elderly and those with compromised respiratory/immune systems. Thankfully, mortality rates are lowest among children and young adults. 

In my blog last month, I jokingly said this flu may be slightly less dangerous than the bird flu. Again, that’s wrong. The bird flu, I’ve since learned, was extremely deadly in the late 90s, killing 60% of those it infected. The total number of deaths was low, however, because its spread was more easily contained. The symptoms were severe and recognizable, allowing those who were infected to be isolated and treated quickly. 

To a lesser extent, the same held true for SARS, which killed 10% of those infected. In the end, it was contained, but many of those who were infected are still feeling the health effects today. 

COVID-19 is less severe and therefore can spread more widely. It’s a lot like the common flu, with many carriers showing no symptoms, hence its challenge to contain. The H1N1 strain that appeared in 2009 spread quickly, too, but had a much lower mortality rate. Today it's joined a number of other viruses to form the so-called common flu.

Vaccines were developed for the H1N1 virus and are still included in your annual flu shots. A coronavirus vaccine won’t be developed for at least another year, as proper testing is necessary to ensure there are no negative health impacts. By then, the initial outbreak will have likely run its course. 

Although no one really knows how long that will take. The Spanish flu, which first showed up early in 1918, went dormant through the summer, then returned in a deadlier second wave in fall. 

The Spanish flu, as I’m learning, was a lesson in what not to do, as both governments and the media tried to keep news of its spread quiet. The Spanish were much more transparent, and as a result, they got the virus named after them. There was no reward for being honest.

We’ve learned a lot since 1918 about viruses, but apparently not enough. By the sounds of it, we’re still under-prepared for a real pandemic. Although I joked about it (with some regret), we should really welcome the regular media updates. It’s so much better than governments (not mentioning any names) pretending no problem exists. 

But most important of all, let’s not be overcome by fear. Most people will only be mildly affected. It's not worth stockpiling a year's worth of masks or toilet paper. This kind of panic-purchasing will only leave a lot of people without toilet paper.

And wearing a mask, by the way, does little to prevent you from getting sick. Unless you're sick, then by all means, wear one. Even better to stay at home. 

But the best advice I’ve heard, from my wife and experts, is still the simplest: Wash your hands. Over and over and over again.