Prayer for a new hamster

It is that time again, when we welcome a new furry friend into our home. Before we do so, I invite you to bow your heads with me to bless our newest family member. 

To our New Friend, 

 

We thank you, [insert new hamster name here], for joining our family. 

 

May your days be blessed by running pointlessly in your hamster wheel, by burying excess food you will never be short of, and most of all, by entertaining your new family with your cuteness. 

 

Grant us the serenity to deal with your new smells and sounds. May you work productively each day so that you slumber soundly at night when all living things should be quietly sleeping. 

 

May we exercise calm when you suddenly disappear and then reappear days later. May you let us know ahead of time of your intentions, should you plan a brief holiday in the shoe closet. 

 

May you be kind to our cat. Do not tempt her by flaunting your beady little eyes or scurrying outside of your designated cage. Remember, the bars are there to protect you, not to imprison. 

 

May you be kind and not bite your master or your master’s parents. Forgive us when we smack you (accidentally) after you sink your sharp incisors into our fingers. 

 

May you find peace in whatever life brings you, whether that involves being trapped in a transparent running ball or having your master’s dad see how many sunflower seeds can be stuffed into your little cheeks. 

 

May your days be filled with good health and no vet bills. Do not even think about dying prematurely. May your lifespan far exceed the average hamster life expectancy of 1.5 years. 

 

Should you (inevitably) pass away, may you die quickly, preferably at night in your sleep, and not in the hands of your master as you breathe your last breath. We cannot, and will not, go through that again. 

 

Let us not forget past hamsters before you, Twinkie and Kinkajou, who were taken from us far too soon (from a human perspective). They were but clovers in a field of alfalfa, stuffing their cheeks one day, and then gone the next. They brought us so much angst and joy, we will never forget them. 

 

Blessings upon you, dear [insert new hamster name here], for all the days of your brief, short life. May you do great, predictable hamster things. 

 

Amen