Colonoscopy #2: lessons learned

After my second colonoscopy, I became more reflective. To raise awareness, I've decided to share my thoughts on this little-known, private procedure. 

But before I begin, let me assure you my colon is in shipshape. It's only because of two loving(?) but over-zealous doctors that I'm on a three-year examination cycle until my death (at least I presume). My wife somehow got away with a five-year cycle, while my dad who is 70, and probably at much higher risk because of his age and family history (how many times do I have to tell him?), has never had one. If it means avoiding colon cancer, why not try it? 

I'll partake in the low-fibre diet. I'll fast for 24 hours while my bowels empty of every last particle of goodness. I'll even stop drinking coffee, inflicting upon myself immeasurable pain and suffering.  

And then when it's all over, I'll reflect on my experience for your amusement. So without further ado, here are my thoughts on my second colonoscopy... 

#1 – To all you nurses out there, I understand that you mean well, but you have to talk slower when giving instructions. For us visual learners, you might even consider providing a manual on how to properly tie a hospital gown. Is it even possible tie a knot behind your back when one of the strings is only two inches long? And just a suggestion, but when you ask the patient to get out of bed, maybe advise him that his gown could have shifted before the sheets come off? Again, just a suggestion. 

#2 – Gown issues aside, the nurses at this hospital were exceedingly friendly and helpful. They exuded enviable amounts of patience. Take, for example, the man who kept asking for a sandwich immediately after his procedure. While I was thinking of something else to shove in his mouth, the nurses were firm but courteous. 

#3 – The procedure itself is nothing to complain about because of... well, you know... the drugs. Having heard so much about fentanyl in the news, I was a little surprised to have this opioid pumped into my veins. The initial effects are overwhelming, causing you to essentially forget the horrid act that is being committed on your innards. The secondary effects come later, when one is overcome by a sense of elation and, dare I say, joy. I had been suffering from lower back pain for the last week, but this was the first day I felt no pain whatsoever (miraculous!). Delusions of grandeur are apparently common, as a doctor friend of mine shared his feelings of indestructibility after his own procedure. Let's just say I'm glad he's still alive.

#4 – Be careful with Pico-Salax – this powerful laxative has a long-lasting impact. You might think you're done when the procedure is over, but you'd be wrong. For the next day, plan your escape routes accordingly. 

#5 – The intestines are amazing organs. Measuring an astounding 25 feet, these nutrient-absorbing tubes of wonder require a loooong cable to inspect.  

#6 – Fibre is your intestine's best friend. There's a reason why white bread and pasta are allowed the day before a colonoscopy – they pass right through. Their sugars are quickly converted into fat, and your body is happy for the moment but suffers long-term. Fibre, found in nuts, fruits, vegetables and whole grains, will lower cholesterol, help lose weight, reduce risk of colorectal and breast cancer AND keep you regular. A rule-of-thumb is to choose bread and other products where the fibre component is at least 20% of the carbohydrates indicated on the package (good luck with that). 

#7 – If you're over 50, consider a colonoscopy. Colorectal cancer is the second most commonly diagnosed cancer in Canada and is preventable. Your risk is significantly reduced by removing any polyps that are found during the procedure.  

Unfortunately, fear often dictates our willingness to maintain our health. There's nothing to fear here, other than a possible gown malfunction and/or running out of toilet paper. And while I would never promote its recreational use, let's not forget the fentanyl.