Day 1,295 of the Trump presidency

On Day 1,295 of the Trump presidency, President Donald J. Trump emerged from the White House for a press conference. It had been 43 days since he was last seen in public. The following is a transcript of his speech. 

"You're all probably wondering where I've been. Have you? Yeah, you have? Well, I've been thinking. I've been thinking about great things. I've been thinking about all I've accomplished since I became president. And it's beautiful. Let me tell you, it really is beautiful. 

"There's so much I've accomplished, it literally took me a month to write it all down. Yes, I wrote it all down. Wrote it in a notebook on my huge desk in the Oval Office. The notebook is literally this thick."  

President Trump extends his hands to indicate the width of approximately two feet. 

"I told Kellyanne, leave me alone for a while, and I will write every single thing I have done on paper. This is my legacy. And it's really something special. It really is. I know there is no better legacy. Even ol' Abe didn't have as big a legacy. Maybe Reagan comes close, but honestly, people have told me, he doesn't even come close.  

"They love me. Do you know that? The people, they still love me. I looked at the paper the other day and I read that my supporters still adore me. They write me letters. In fact, I've got one here. I'm gonna read it right now." 

President Trump pulls a piece of paper from his suit jacket and begins to read from it. 

"Dear Mr. President." President Trump puts the paper down. "That's me. I'm the president. I won three-and-a-half years ago – I won the election in a landslide. Remember that? Remember the crowds? They were so big I had to be helicoptered off the podium with one of those hanging ladder thingies – the crowd literally swarmed me.  

"But back to the letter... Dear Mr. President, I have never written to the President of the United States before. But I want to say that your wall is the biggest and best wall I have ever seen. Yours truly, Dave. 

"Now I don't know who Dave is, but he clearly has a gift. Dave, if you're listening right now, you are a literary genius. I only wish the biased media could write as well you, Dave. Because let me  tell you, they have dragged me into the mud these last three years. And I feel filthy, to be quite honest. I do, really. I feel like a filthy pig. 

"I built a wall. I built a great, beautiful wall. It stands at least ten feet tall in a couple places. But no, the biased media show pictures of a chain link fence. The one that's got all the holes in it. Totally unfair. And Mexico will pay for the wall, mark my words. 

"Then there's healthcare. Do you know how long it took us to replace Obamacare? At least a couple weeks. My friends in Congress – well, back then they were my friends – they literally spilled blood – yes, someone was shot, a terrible tragedy, but had to be done – to create a bill that will ensure everyone – yes, every American – gets to see the doctor at least once in their life. And what thanks do I get? We get news stories about little disabled Johnny who can't afford his medications anymore. He's got to go to Cuba – yes, Cuba! - so he can keep breathing while his parents live off food stamps. Boo-hoo, boo-hoo!" 

President Trump makes fists in front of his eyes as though he is crying.  

"I gotta say, you guys are merciless. There is no depth to which you will not sink to embarrass me. After all I sacrificed for this country. Do you know, just the other day, I was offered five billion dollars? That's right, five billion dollars. Some of the richest men in America pooled their money together and said, 'Donald, if you quit right now, we will give you five billion dollars.' They were literally begging me to leave my job! 

"But I turned it all down. That's right. I turned it down because I'm too important to this country. I've got too much to do in my next term.  

"We've got another wall to build, this time with Canada. Let me tell you, I am so sick of Canadians coming over that border with their holier-than-thou looks. I'm gonna build a wall, and they're gonna have to climb over that wall to get into America. Yeah, you like that? We're gonna make them climb over a wall every time they need Uncle Sam to bail them out. And boy, are they gonna get a bill once we build it. Have you seen how long that border is?

"We're gonna bomb ISIS some more. Oh, we're gonna bomb them bigly! You thought bombing Iran was fun, wait 'til we destroy Iraq and their new dictator, Ahmed what's-his-face. 

"And we're gonna grow the economy. Now the biased media - yeah, that's you guys - likes to say that nothing's changed. They even like to say that things've gotten worse. The biased media says a made-in-America iPhone now costs $1,000 more than the old one... and the home button doesn't work, and the screen goes black all the time, and blah, blah, blah. I'm sure you've all reported on that. Yeah, you would, wouldn't you?" 

President Trump points at one of the reporters in the front row who tries to look away. 

"Well let me assure you, I've only just begun. Those sweat shops in America's inner cities, those economic engines of growth, where black men and women – many probably Ben Carson's friends – can now work for a living making Nike shoes? It's just the beginning. Those regulations I've gutted so that wealth can trickle down from only the biggest and best corporations? Just the beginning. Those Democratic – and some Republican – leaders I've interrogated – and waterboarding is completely legal, by the way, it completely is – because of their treasonous thoughts against me and this country? Just the beginning!  

President Trump chuckles and then begins to raise his arms into the air. 

"Lock.. Them... Up! Lock... Them... Up! C'mon you crooked reporters, let's hear you! Lock them up! Lock them up!

"With the power vested in me by the people of this great nation, I have made America great again. And I will make it even greater!" 

President Trump extends his fist into the air, then begins to cough uncontrollably. He does not take any questions.