Headaches over Hormuz

 

 Is the Strait of Hormuz open or closed? 

For the last few months, this is all I really want to know. 

Just give me a simple yes or no. I don’t want to know how many drones flew over the channel, how many ships are waiting in port, or how the captains of those ships are feeling about life. Just tell me: Is it open or closed?

Whatever you do, don’t tell me it’s partially open. What am I supposed to do with that? I refuse to believe a few lucky ships go freely back and forth without a care in the world. We all know the world doesn’t work that way. It’s either open or closed!

The inevitable follow-up question is: Why didn’t I buy a hybrid? I could have but I didn’t. Because when I did my cost-benefit analysis, the Strait of Hormuz was wide open!

Second follow-up question: Why does my car get worse fuel mileage now that the Strait is closed? Does non-Iranian fuel not go as far?

This may be part of my obsessive personality. I start thinking about something and I can’t stop. But isn’t it that way for all of us (please say yes)? Don’t we all obsess over the price of gas?

Unless you own a Tesla... Then who cares whether the Strait is open or closed. I suppose you got the last laugh after all. I admit, we went a bit too far in our mockery. Remember how only a few months ago we would taunt: “You drive an Elon-mobile?! How utterly embarrassing!!” Even though you clearly bought the car when Elon Musk was an Obama-loving liberal and not a Trump stooge, we did not care! Sell it NOW!

But who looks like the stooge now? Anyone who drives a vehicle that relies on fuel impacted by the so-called Strait of Hormuz.

I only say “so-called” because I had never heard of this "strait" until a few months ago, when the so-called “Iran War” began. For all I know, it’s a vast conspiracy of the oil companies who, at the behest of Iran and Trump, sold the world on the closure of a made-up channel of water that is rich in oil, helium and fertilizer.

But let's say it is real. Let’s say there is a strait, somewhere far away in Hormuz, that was open for all my lifetime.... and then, just like that, suddenly closed. Why would it ever close? 

Trump of all people should know this, but I don’t think he does, as intelligent a man as he says he is. That doesn't mean he doesn’t care. He says he doesn’t care, but boy, does he care! He’s checking every hour – maybe every three minutes. Like me, he’s obsessed over Hormuz.

In all fairness, it’s hard to be a president in such times of utter incompetence and dysfunction. Especially when you start a war that no one understands, a war that will likely never end. I don’t blame him for being a little feisty with female reporters. He’s got a lot on his plate. First Epstein, now Iran. How do you juggle it all?

Even if it was his fault, doesn’t he at least get some credit for trying to solve the so-called Middle East? For inadvertently starting a green revolution? For making Tesla owners feel a little better about themselves? 

As I’m clearly not one of them, I still want to know: Is it open or closed?