Who would have thought 2023 would be so great? I mean, it had its problems, but overall, can we at least say we feel better about the state of the world today than in 2022? Don't answer that. Instead, let's look with fresh eyes into the future, not to predict what will happen, but what will most definitely not happen in 2024...
Donald Trump takes a steep dive in the polls after displaying a soft spot for immigrants. In a recording taken by his disgraced lawyer Rudy Giuliani, Trump talks favourably of those who have illegally crossed the border. “They’re beautiful people,” he says with a hint of emotion. “They clean my bathrooms. They hide my documents. Let’s build a wall, but.... let’s put some holes in it.” Trump loses all traction with his base, while Nikki Haley becomes the first woman to win a Republican nomination. Ever so gently, she puts all the angry white men in their place.
A Canadian hockey team impresses the nation with a victory or two in the playoffs. Sorry, that's all I got on hockey...
New pandemic restrictions are introduced in Saskatchewan and Alberta. Although there’s no mask mandate (in fact, both governments introduce a no-mask-ever mandate), those suspected of infection are kept in isolation for months. This may or may not include the leaders of the official opposition, whom no one has heard from since 2023.
Joe Biden goes on TikTok to boost his popularity with the youth. Through the power of AI, he even gets a skip in his step (literally, he starts skipping). Through voice modulation software, no longer do you have to turn up the volume to hear his speeches, and through powerful computer-generated imagery, an unfortune fall at an event now looks like he’s doing a cartwheel. Young people fall in love with the new and improved AI Joe, following him all the way to the ballot box.
Climate change is no longer newsworthy. Not one abnormal weather event occurs in 2024. The weather is perfect for Canada – enough moisture, a perfect balance of heat and cold, not a single forest fire south of the Northwest Territories, with a pleasant breeze 23 hours of every day. The only complaint is against the clear skies – without the smoke, children can no longer safely stare at the sun.
The Summer Olympics are an incredible success, according to French media. By all measures of French culture, the Olympics dans Paris are par excellence (side note: I took high school French). Athletes set records for being slower, lower, and weaker than ever before thanks to unlimited croissants at every meal. The wine fountains at water stations don’t help either.
Justin Trudeau goes on Tinder. For a prime minister down in the polls, he gets a lot of swipes-right. Yet as things tend to go with this vulnerable G7 leader, all the attention gets him in trouble. After his online affair with the "Princess of Nigeria", finance minister Chrystia Freeland is forced to reign in all spending abroad. Trudeau is restricted to one hour of Tinder time per day under her strict cyber-supervision.
Taylor Swift does not dump Kansas City Chiefs tight-end Travis Kelce. In other words, she’s gonna dump him. I mean, c’mon, is this really gonna last? Instead, she tries her luck with Justin Trudeau after an absent-minded right-swipe.
For five sacred minutes, all nations on earth engage in a worldwide ceasefire. No one dies, no one suffers, and war-stricken nations rebuild (as much as can be done in five minutes) after so much senseless destruction. With such a low bar, we can hope.
Happy New Year!
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