Who would have thought a return to “normal” in post-pandemic 2022 could be so... abnormal? Instead of stability, we got inflation, we got trucker convoys, we got war. For Ukraine in particular, I can only hope the next year will be better. But I’m terrible with predictions, so let’s instead look at what most definitely will not happen in 2023...
The Canadian economy grows at a healthy 2% GDP, the inflation rate returns to a timid 1%, and the Bank of Canada’s governor goes on a much-needed vacation. Interest rates fall, housing prices stabilize, and the price of gas nestles in at an appealing 99 cents a litre. Canadians start to wonder what in the world there was ever to worry about. Other than the threat of climate change, new covid variants from China, and potential nuclear war, things are pretty darn good. Until...
Canada’s capital is stormed again, this time by granola-eating climate change protestors. Defiantly parking their over-priced Teslas and undersized Priuses in the middle of the streets of Ottawa, they demand our government ban all gas-guzzling vehicles by 2025. After honking their little horns and waving their organic plant-based banners for a day, their cars are promptly towed away and impounded. You know, the way illegal protests are normally dealt with.
Alberta separates from Canada. To the surprise of many, Danielle Smith’s snap referendum on whether Alberta should depart results in a convincing 51% “yes” vote, enough to begin the proceedings to become an independent oil fiefdom. But internal battles soon erupt. Sharp arguments emerge over who’s head should be on the new Albertan currency dubbed the Danni. It’s enough to cause mayhem in the new republic, including farmers with pitchforks (in this era, tractors) storming the capital. The beginnings of the new republic look doomed from the start, but Albertans couldn’t care less – they are finally freed from the oppressive hand (and hand-outs) of Ottawa. Quebecers shake their heads in disbelief.
Despite Canada’s break-up, Justin Trudeau grows in popularity. Without Alberta in the mix, he’s likely a shoo-in next election, riding a wave of newfound Canadian nationalism. He seems unstoppable as he embarks on a world tour of distant foreign lands until... he gets detained at Chinese customs. Chinese authorities, who claim to have found a microgram of Canada’s finest cannabis in his carry-on, refuse to release the prime minister until they get the “two Michaels” back. Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland assures Canadians their beloved PM will, at the very latest, be back in time for the 2025 election.
Will Smith is nominated once again at the Oscars. His dramatic outburst at last year’s ceremony won him Best Convincing Act of Celebrity-Entitled Rage. Fortunately for Chris Rock and other presenters, he wasn’t allowed to accept the award in person. Insiders reveal the show’s producers are trying their hardest to keep the controversy going – with sagging ratings, unexpected acts of violence are all that keep people watching.
Vladimir Putin concedes the war in Ukraine was a mistake. After a spiritual epiphany during an unexpected visit by the Dalai Lama, the long-time dictator of Russia seeks peace not only for Ukraine but for his soul. In a tearful speech at UN headquarters, the former stone-cold president quotes a familiar line from Dr. Seuss: “My small heart grew three sizes that day – the true meaning of life came through, and I, Vladimir Putin, found the strength of ten Putins, plus two!” He is promptly arrested and tried for war crimes.
We can only hope. Here’s to a brighter 2023!
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