I draw the line at saxophone

To be clear, I have nothing against the saxophone. It’s a beautiful instrument that, when played correctly, can make a nice jazzy noise. As you can tell by my questionable descriptor, musical instruments are not my thing. 

They are, however, my daughter’s. Almost every year, a new instrument is picked up (as in purchased or rented by her parents). First came the piano (to be fair, we gave her little choice in the matter). Next, the violin (it was suggested a second instrument would help with her piano). Then came the guitar (a “summer” instrument, when piano and violin fall by the wayside). Then, thanks to school band, came the flute (by no encouragement of her parents whatsoever). And now that she’ll be in grade seven, she’s eligible to join the jazz band and play, yes, the saxophone (or, as Homer Simpson liked to say, Saxamaphooone). 

I'm sure it's normal for some kids to pick up a new instrument year after year, thinking it will be the next best and greatest, and drop the one they tried to play a year earlier. That sounds normal. 

What’s not normal is continuing to play the instruments you’ve already started to learn – a kind of musical instrument hoarding, if you will. There is a reluctance on my daughter’s part to give up any of her instruments. 

“You may need to drop violin next year,” I tell her, suggesting that her extra-curricular activities are going to rob her of what’s left of her pre-pubescent childhood. “You like to play with your friends, right?” 

“Yeah, but I don’t want to quit violin,” she responds. “Or flute,” she blurts, before I can even suggest it. 

My wife has even suggested she quit piano, after five years of agonized practicing. 

I would rather she simply quit picking up new instruments. 

Sure, there are positive effects of learning a musical instrument. Children involved in music tend to do better academically and may even be happier. My daughter practices so much, there’s no time to be depressed. 

But there’s also that thing called the law of diminishing returns... The more instruments, the lower the marginal benefit. That fifth instrument will only increase your happiness marginally more than the fourth. In fact, it may even make you, and your parents, less happy. 

Practicing is a lonely undertaking that tests your self-discipline and your parents’ patience. While my daughter prefers I be in the same room as her when she practices, I’ve been known to sneak quietly into the basement to escape what I will call the noise. 

The noise is particularly acute when our daughter is learning a new instrument. The first few months of violin were excruciating. I can only imagine a saxophone. 

In those instances, I find things I can do... elsewhere. 

My daughter conveyed this to her band teacher the other day: “My dad likes to go in the basement when I start playing the flute." 

“Oh really?” she said, apparently shocked by the revelation. “Why would he do that?” 

“He doesn’t like it when I play the loud parts.” 

“Oh really... And what does he do downstairs?” 

Thankfully, my daughter didn’t have an answer. I have no idea why her band teacher is interested in what I do in our basement.

I can assure her of one thing – I don’t practice the saxophone.