Trump's conversation with Trudeau revealed

 This just in... The April 25th phone conversation between President Trump and Prime Minister Trudeau has been leaked to the press. The unofficial transcript reads as follows: 

Trump: Hello, Justin, or Bonjour, as they like to say in Canada. Do you speak French? Would you like a translator? We have some great translators here in the White House. Some wonderful French translators – beautiful French translators, in fact. I'll get one. 

Trudeau: [chuckling] No, that's fine Mr. President. We can speak in English. Comment ca va? 

Trump: Umm, okay, I'll get that translator. 

Trudeau: Just kidding! In all seriousness, how are you? Congratulations on your impressive political victory. 

Trump: Justin, I'm doing very well. I am wonderful. Do you know I won the biggest electoral victory in all of U.S. history? It was beautiful. I won the electoral colleges, which is more difficult than winning the popular vote. They say that there were three million illegitimate voters, by the way. Most of them from Mexico.... every one of them voted for Hillary. 

Trudeau: Uh-huh. Mr. President, I was wondering if we could discuss some of our common concerns, and how we might preserve our relationship through strengthening trade and economic opportunities. Your softwood lumber duties aren't going over very well here (nervous laugh). But, being the successful business man you are, I know you must have some great ideas for our two countries. 

Trump: You know, Justin - I hope you don't mind me calling you Justin - I have a lot of friends who are from Canada, and they tell me all the time how wonderful it is to visit my resorts. I want us to continue to be friends. But NAFTA is bad, Justin, and I know because I campaigned on it, and there were crowds of 25,000, sometimes 50,000, that screamed really loud when I said I was going to scrap NAFTA. And so all these jobs, in Ohio and Michigan, states that I won, Justin, are going away and I really can't stand for that because politically, I would be in deep doo-doo. 

Trudeau: I understand your concerns, but perhaps we can update NAFTA without scrapping it. Many northern states also rely on trade from Canada. We're deeply intertwined, you see – a job lost in Ontario could also mean a job lost in Michigan – a state you handily won, if I recall correctly. 

Trump: [chuckles] Yes, I did win it – I won it bigly. These are my people, Justin. They adore me. You know what it's like to be adored? 

Trudeau: Actually, I do. Ever been in a gay Pride Parade? 

Trump: It's the most beautiful feeling in the world to have thousands of people screaming your name. It's like when Melania tickles my toes at night... deeply satisfying. Where's that French translator, anyway? 

Trudeau: Um, getting back to NAFTA, perhaps we could talk about this later, maybe after you repeal Obamacare? 

Trump: We could do that. Justin, I want to tell you that this has been one of the most pleasant phone calls so far, other than the one with Putin of course. That was incredible – it was like I was talking to a long, lost friend – a lost friend who speaks Russian, but a very close friend who makes me feel like a man again. 

Trudeau: Well, I gotta go. 

Trump: Good-bye, Justin. Together we'll make America great again. 

Trudea: Uh-huh. Bonne chance, Monsieur President. [click]