Before we know it, 2026 will be upon us, bringing us a news cycle of unexpected travesties and triumphs. I’m not one to predict the future, but there are a few things I'm confident will not come to pass. In keeping with tradition, here is what will most definitely not happen in 2026...
Trump builds a really small ballroom. After demolishing the east wing of the White House, President Donald Trump rethinks the grand ballroom he was envisioning in its place. Instead, he decides to go small. Real small. “I’ve been thinking, pondering things, and it occurred to me that small is beautiful,” he reflects at the not-so-grand opening. "So much more beautiful than big. And so, let’s all go admire – one at a time because it is so small – the tiniest ballroom ever built.” The 10-person ballroom is small but gaudy; gold cherubim hang from the wall, jabbing reporters with their wings as they squeeze between the chairs surrounding the gold-encrusted dining table. Sitting at the head of the table, the golden chandelier nearly touching his hair, Trump smiles for the cameras while mumbling to himself, "I feel so big in here... Like a giant. This is what a giant must feel like. This is incredible. Incredible..."
Carney loses his cool. Prime Minister Mark Carney erupts into a wild rage after old photos of him wearing blackface pop up online. He tears into journalists for questioning his judgment, calling them “piggies” and other farm animals. Finally, in a tear-filled statement to the Canadian public, he admits that he, like his predecessor, was once young and stupid. It was a different time, he explains. Back when he was Governor of the Bank of Canada, after all, blackface parties were quite common.
Pollievre rebrands, starting with his name. Sick of French journalists pronouncing his name with an accent, the leader of the Conservative Party cuts out the “re” from Pollievre in a name change that shocks the nation (or at least his family). Finally, the confusion is over for English speakers who can now unapologetically call him Polly-Ev. Pierre Polliev’s so good at cutting things, cheer the Conservatives, he even cut his own name! When the slogan is considered for the next election campaign, the Liberals would normally also cheer, but they’ve honestly stopped paying attention.
6-7's meaning becomes clear. The mystery of the 2025 word of the year, 6-7, which even Dictionary.com struggles to define, calling it “meaningless, ubiquitous and nonsensical”, is finally solved. After delving deep into the dark web to find answers, the world’s top influencers (namely Joe Rogan) claim its origins are in fact alien, arising through a signal from outer space. This signal controls the most powerful people in the world who, in turn, re-send the frequency through 5G networks into kids’ brains to make them say nonsensical words like 6-7 and skibidi. The end goal? To drive us all mad!!
Doug Ford writes a love letter. After finding himself on the wrong side of Donald Trump for all of 2025, the defiant Ontario premier changes course completely by getting intimate with the American president. He sits down and crafts a hand-written love letter, expressing his desire to rub shoulders with “the mightiest man on Earth, whose bulging orange biceps make the mildest maidens swoon, and whose finely sculpted thighs—” Well, you get the picture. Trump is so enamored by the premier’s written word that he invites Ford to a private dinner at the White House. Ford graciously accepts. The two get along so well he even stays the night in Melania’s vacant third floor suite. And yet... the tariffs remain.
Elon Musk sells everything. At the age of 54, the richest man in the world realizes he can retire comfortably without becoming a trillionaire. He sells his shares in Tesla and SpaceX and decides to spend the remainder of his days in a monastery in, where else, but Tibet. After a $400-billion-dollar renovation of the place, Musk meditates for months in his new palace, coming to the realization that money, like the self, is an illusion. What is money useful for? To build great palaces? Well, yes – but I’m still alone. I don’t even speak Tibetan. These monks hate me for cutting USAID and paving over their shrines. What have I done? Unless I don't exist and this is a simulation... Then it doesn't matter! His revelations are tweeted on X daily for months, driving millions of users from his platform. They preferred him when he was on ketamine.
AI gets productive. AI proves its usefulness by producing more than just AI slop, all those useless AI-generated videos and pictures floating around the internet. Instead, welcome to the age of AI Learning™! Instead of that AI-generated image of your 102-year-old grandma flying through the sky in Santa’s sleigh (true story), imagine your grandma learning how to fly a real plane – in one hour! Instead of that video of your daughter “singing” with KPop Demon Hunters, imagine her learning to play every single instrument ever known to humankind – after one five-minute lesson! Instead of brainrot, imagine braingrowth, where you'll consume vast amounts of knowledge like all of Wikipedia in only two minutes! All it takes is one simple procedure – one little chip inserted into your cerebral cortex – and Voila! Let the AI Learning™ begin! (Download speeds may vary. Side effects may include dizziness, constipation, and loss of feeling human.)
On a less dystopian note... After being visited by three ghosts around Christmas time, Donald Trump turns the page and invites the most despised world leaders to the White House to pressure them to improve the world for the better. He locks them in his tiny ballroom until they all agree to alleviate poverty, to stop all wars, and to democratize the world. Sadly, a few pass away from lack of oxygen, thereby hastening the results. We can hope?
All the best in 2026!
