With Donald Trump about to re-enter the White House, world leaders, including our own prime minister, are already knocking on his door. Justin Trudeau shared a meal with him at his estate in Mar-a-Lago, Florida on Friday. I can only imagine how the conversation went...
Trudeau: Bonjour! I mean, hey, brah... I mean, good day, sir... Salutations!
Trump: Have a seat, Justin.
Trudeau: Yes, sir, sorry, just a little nervous, sir...
Trump: I like it, Justin. Gotta say, I love it. Gives me a lot of leverage. I like leverage. It’s the most beautiful leverage I’ve ever seen. Have a seat, Justin. Enjoy some leftover turkey from our Thanksgiving meal. Yesterday we had the greatest Thanksgiving meal ever.
Trudeau: It does smell good. That must have been a wonderful holiday meal with your family.
Trump: Family? You mean Elon? He’s such a good boy, such a good boy. Woke him up this morning at 6 am – told him, you got to get to work, Elon, got to get to work! Holidays are over, Black Friday’s here – time to cut the government!
Trudeau: So he, uh, lives here?
Trump: Justin, stop cowering in the corner. Sit down! Have some turkey. You know, there are a lot of turkeys in Washington, a lot of turkeys. I’m going to start a Washington turkey shoot, it’ll be so beautiful. Gonna get those turkeys lined up and well.... I won’t say it... but we'll line ’em up and fire at them all – bang, bang, bang! We’re going to make America great again, Justin, one dead turkey at a time.
Trudeau: God bless America?
Trump: God bless America! Only in America can a convicted felon be president... That’s what they called me, Justin. A felon! Can you believe it? Me! I sat in that court room like a stooge for days, Justin, trying to stay awake. It's a lot of sitting in court, Justin – so boring. Don't know how criminals do it. I had a lot of time to think and dream – to think about the things that matter most to me – like who I’m going to come after – that judge, that jury, and Stormy. You know why they call her Stormy right?
Trudeau: Actually, I wasn’t really following.... Say, could we talk about those tariffs?
Trump: Ah, tariffs.... Never met a tariff I didn’t like. Actually, that’s not true. There was one I didn’t care for – the hairspray tariff – didn't like it at all. I only use one brand and one brand only – and wouldn’t you know it, it got tariffed. I told ’em, fire that tariff! And they did, they fired it. Got rid of it, Justin, just like that. Love my hair, Justin. Wanna touch it?
Trudeau: Uh, no thank you, sir, but I can totally relate to the hair obsession. But about those tariffs you’re proposing on Canadian goods...
Trump: I’m gonna do it, Justin. Don’t think you can come in here, eat my turkey, forcing me to cave. I’m an incredible businessman, Justin – so successful. Have you read my book? It’s called – get this – it's called Trump: The Art of the Deal.
Trudeau: Oh yes, sir, I’ve read it cover to cover!
Trump: I like you. Okay, maybe I’ll cut the tariffs. You really liked it?
Trudeau: It was so inspirational! Especially the part about you and... the art of.... deal-making.
Trump: I liked that part, too. It was the best part. Because when you’re dealing, there’s really an art. Like how I’m dealing with you now. You’re obviously sweating profusely. That makes me think you’re hiding something... or you’re nervous... or maybe you Canadians can’t handle the heat. Ha! That’s a joke. Get it?
Trudeau: That is so funny, sir. I didn’t realize how hot it would be in Florida. [Removes parka.] But about those tariffs...
Trump: Let’s make a deal, Justin. Let’s do this. You stop the fentanyl, the crazy Mexicans who are coming in from Canada, invading our country – they're eating our cats, Justin, eating our dogs – and we’ll lift those tariffs.
Trudeau: You mean, all we need to do is stop Mexicans from coming to the U.S. from Canada?
Trump: You’re smart, Justin. You know what I want. You’re a man after my own heart. Stop those Mexicans and you got a deal. Then tell the world I’m the most intelligent man you’ve ever met in your life. I want you to do that, Justin.
Trudeau: Uh, what’s that now?
Trump: Did you not hear me? Justin, stop biting your fingernails! Get on your phone – you got phones in Canada, right? Then post it on X or Truth Social – a platform owned by me or Elon – so the world knows what you really think of me.
Trudeau: Hmm... Truth Social I could probably make work...
Trump: [Gives a thumbs up.] It’s been a pleasure, Justin. Now where’s Bobby? My new Secretary of Health! He's gonna make America healthy again, Justin. He’s got some new food he wants me eating. He’s nuts, but I love him, love him like a brother – almost as much as my dead brother – such a sad story. This better be deep fried.
Trudeau: Thank you so much, sir. Please, send my best to Bobby... and Elon... and your wife?
Trump: Ha! My wife! You’re funny, Justin.
[Trudeau puts on his parka and slowly shuffles backwards out of the room with a turkey drumstick in hand.]
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