This will be my final COVID-19 update.
After
posting this entry, I will be descending into a 1973 bunker built
beneath my house for an indefinite period of time. Sometimes called a
basement, it comes equipped with a bathroom, a 55-inch TV, and a
self-reclining la-Z-boy.
In
my inglorious hide-a-way, I will have enough toilet paper to last 24
years. Food, on the other hand, I will have to learn how to ration.
No,
I have not tested positive for the coronavirus. In fact, I have not
even been tested. Even though I have been in contact with people who say
they might have seen someone with the virus. They heard someone cough.
They saw someone look at them with a feverish grin.
I
know I’m not sick. And even if I were, I would battle through it. I’m
uniquely built to resist new unknown pathogens. I’m the 98%.
Still, it was all getting to be too much – the Costco hordes, the concert cancellations, the ridiculously long lines to wash hands. I had to get away.
So
I went to the grocery store, cleared the shelves of all spam and
ketchup chips (the only foods left), and headed for my secure hole in
the ground.
During
my time away, I will not have contact with my family or Facebook
friends. I will limit myself to light web browsing and texting, so that
my fingers remain strong and nimble, capable of tearing through the
plastic encasing each six-pack of toilet paper.
My
exercise regime will consist of walking to the bathroom (where I will
use toilet paper quite liberally and excessively), and walking back to
my la-Z-boy, at least seven times a day. Minor push-offs from the recline position of my la-Z-boy will also be required to ensure my legs do not lose muscle mass.
My
food will not require heat or refrigeration (spam is an amazing food)
and my drink will consist of only tap water, something I have been
building immunity to for the past three months. The lead content is low
enough to not harm me, at least not until much later.
I
have an abundance of Tylenol Cold and Flu, including Children’s Cold
and Flu (it was the last one) in case I should contract my own virus
while in isolation. I also have three crates of Kleenex, the last ones
available in Costco (don’t worry, they’ll get another shipment...)
I
have seven radon detectors set up in key points of my bunker, all
collecting valuable data on the amount of radiation I will absorb
through the concrete walls I will be enclosed within. This will be
valuable information for when I enter detox, or when I want
to sell my home.
My
time underground will not be wasted. It will require extreme diligence.
Switching back and forth from Fox News and CNN every five minutes, each
and every day, I will implement an ingenius method to decipher real news through an apolitical lens.
I
will analyze every twitch and strange comment made by Mike Pence and Donald Trump,
as I decipher when it could, when it might (if ever) be safe to go
upstairs again. Hand-shake or elbow-bump? Keep calm or run for the
hills? Was Pence blinking Morse code? Is it a
cry for help, or a message that we are all infected? (As additional research, I will watch all ten season of the The Walking Dead.) On slow days, I will follow Canadian news.
I will do all this – make this great sacrifice – for the good of society. But mostly for the good of me – and oh yes, my family.
They will await my safe return.
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