Congratulations! You’ve annexed Canada! You are now the proud owner of 9.985 million square kilometres (whoops, I mean 3.8 million square miles!) of diverse and rugged terrain, most of it uninhabitable for six to twelve months of the year!
There’s some fresh water there, but you’ll find that most of it doesn’t flow south. There’s also oil, but most of it’s buried in sand. If you dig deep enough and add enough of that fresh water, though, you can ship it wherever you want. Oh, wait, you do that already? Well, take some more!
Now that you own our north, I’m sure you’ll enjoy some cheap vacations (whoops, not anymore with the Canadian dollar gone!) to our northern lakes where you can fish, canoe and swat at mosquitoes for days without any cell phone coverage. It’s the dream getaway for the average American!
You’ll also have access to a diverse francophone community called Quebec, which will inevitably want to separate upon your arrival. They will cause you endless headaches if you act the way you normally do. They don’t like you. No, they really don’t like you.
Naturally, with annexation we expect full political representation for each of our provinces (ahem, now states) with two senators each, which amounts to 20 senators in your new 120-member senate. Hey, if Wyoming with a population of 584,000 gets two senators, so should P.E.I.! And let’s throw in one for each of our territories while we’re at it!
We would also expect a full slew of former Canucks (no, not hockey players!) in your House of Representatives to rebalance the fulcrum of power a little to the left of Bernie Sanders. As for your antiquated Electoral College, we expect even more electoral votes than what California receives. Given our population, this should make us the most prized winner-takes-all basket of electoral votes in the next presidential election.
I doubt we’ll be a “red” state. While it’s true that as former Canadians, we voted conservative from time to time, our right-wing parties looked more like your centrist Democrats. Our biggest fights were over a “carbon tax” – that’s right, a tax on pollution, something you’ve never even heard of!
On the financial side of things, we look forward to getting paid in American dollars. International travel just got so much cheaper! We will also enjoy touring freely into your turf without having to deal with ornery border guards who confiscate our apples and oranges and ask us meaningless questions like whether we’ve visited a farm or ever used cannabis. Of course we have! And we’re not giving it up either!
That’s right, you’ve just adopted a northern Oregon! We’re quite progressive. But how would you know? You’ve never paid any attention to us until now!
We can also be a little needy. We actually like it when our government takes care of us. Rest assured – we will be lobbying Congress for extensive social programs for all Americans. That’s right, I'm talking about publicly funded education, transportation, dentalcare, childcare and, of course, healthcare for everyone! Not even the wealthiest Americans will escape the scourge of lengthy surgical wait times!! Ha, ha, ha!!!
Sigh. It’s good to have a laugh in such ridiculous times.
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