Seeing
as it’s always easier to predict what won’t happen than what will, I will once
again project far into the new year to tell you what will definitively not come to pass
in 2016.
The Blue Jays move to Mexico. After an extraordinary year in 2015, Rogers
Communications reaps the benefits by selling the team to a wealthy businessman
(i.e. drug lord) in Mexico. The team
will be Mexico’s first Major League Baseball team, and will be called the Tijuana
Senores de la Droga (translated loosely as the Tijuana Pharmacists). Lucrative advertising deals will immediately
be landed by some of its players. Jose Bautista
will take on a new WWE-like role as “The Enforcer,” with bat swinging in hand. While the league was at first hesitant about promoting
violence (but not drug use) in baseball, it hopes to become more competitive
with the NFL, which is turning into a “league of concussion-protocol pansies,”
according to the Commissioner of Baseball.
ISIS asks for peace and forgiveness. Fighters of the Islamic State suddenly
realize in 2016 that fighting really doesn’t get you anywhere. They turn in their guns and commit to mindful
meditation and hot yoga.
As a consequence, they leave hundreds of estranged young men across the
globe to continue to be estranged. The
void left in their jihadist hearts will not be filled easily. Video games will have to do.
Justin Bieber does Canada proud. Bieber is back in the news again in 2016, but
not for his childish antics or his fling with a Kardashian (not a Star Trek
character, as I initially thought). This
time he’s actually done something noteworthy. The young renegade without a cause has decided
to distribute free copies of his latest album to all Syrian refugees as they enter Europe.
Bieber handed out the first few copies on a Grecian beach, receiving a lukewarm reception (some of the children were spotted
using the CDs as Frisbees). He was
caught on camera with tears in his eyes, later confirmed to have been caused by
the sand.
Trump wins the Nobel Peace Prize. After winning the Republican nomination,
Donald Trump goes on to lose a close political battle to Hillary Clinton in the American
presidential race. Trump is consequently
awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for not winning the presidency and maintaining a
respectable amount of world peace.
Apple doesn’t come out with a new
iPhone. Apple announces that it’s done
enough when it comes to electronic engineering, and suggests that its followers
spend more real face time with
friends and family. The backlash is
considerable. After some serious threats
made to Apple headquarters (non-ISIS militants, of course), the company gives
in and provides a scaled down version called the iPhone 6D. It weighs in at 2.2 pounds, has actual
buttons you can push, and only sends messages via Morse code, but is hailed as
revolutionary by non-techno geeks for its retro look and features.
Climate change comes to an end.
After a successful convention in Paris, the United States begins to lead
the world in green technology. It nearly
bankrupts the economy, but by the end of 2016, one can’t drive anywhere in the
U.S. without seeing a wind turbine or solar panel. The landscape becomes
cluttered with what becomes known as “eco-junk.” Obama ends his presidency by
claiming that climate change, as we know it, has come to an end. President-elect Clinton pledges to clean up
at least some of the junk he left behind.
Trudeau gives fewer hugs. After one year of being our nation’s head
honcho, Justin Trudeau’s real colours start to show. In 2016, Trudeau begins his ruthless clamp
down on immigrants and cute innocent animals.
A picture of him kicking his cat surfaces on the Internet. There is speculation that the stress of
having two nannies, a wife and three kids is finally getting to him. One of the nannies gets the can and then spills the
beans to the national press. She
reveals that Trudeau has limited his physical contact with Liberal colleagues
to only two hugs per Cabinet meeting.
Happy
New Year!
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