Before we know it, 2025 will be bringing us all kinds of unexpected goodies. I can honestly say, I have no idea what to expect – nor do I necessarily want to know! But a few things I'm confident will never come to pass. In keeping with tradition, here is what will most definitely not happen in 2025...
Justin Trudeau gets re-elected in a populist uprising. After the surprise resignation of his finance minister and months of languishing in the polls, Trudeau runs a U-turn campaign for the ages, squarely targeting his own government’s record. He vows to beat back the “woke mob” that got him into office, those who helped him legalize marijuana and introduce the much-dreaded carbon tax. “I got you into this mess,” he says in a campaign ad, “and I’m gonna get you out. I won’t just axe the tax – I will burn the whole place down!” The ad cuts to our crazed prime minister taking a chainsaw to a gas pump, then casually lighting a cigarette before bursting into flames (all AI generated, of course). On election night, Pierre Poilievre is for once in his life speechless, as he quietly wonders why he hadn’t thought of that.
Joe Biden pardons the world. It started with his son, Hunter. Then Liz Cheney. Then a couple guys who criticized Donald Trump on a Republican group chat. Before his term ends, Biden realizes he will need to issue a lifetime pardon to everyone in the world to prevent all unjustified prosecutions by the Trump administration. It works.... kind of. With no one left to prosecute, Trump promptly dissolves the Justice Department.
The CFL expands into Canada’s north. Based in the capital of Nunavut, the newest CFL football team is named the Northern Muskoxens (similar to the Edmonton Elks, an “s” is added where not necessary). Thanks to a fresh infusion of federal funding – possibly diverted from grocery subsidies – Iqaluit’s premier high school stadium/skating rink is renovated to seat 500 CFL fans, expandable to 600 should they host the Grey Cup. While opening to a nearly sold-out crowd in June, attendance slowly dwindles as the threat of polar bears rises. After cancelling their August game due to a snowstorm, they move all “winter” games into the local arena.
The NFL makes enhanced body suits mandatory. Have you seen those big, funny-looking padded helmets that some players are now wearing for additional protection? Well, the NFL goes one step further by offering players full-body “fat suits” to add some extra cushion. It seems to work, with players bouncing off one another like Pillsbury Doughboys. Everyone, especially the kids, love it.... Until the doctors get involved. It turns out, excessive bouncing can lead to double vision and chronic organ jiggling. Some players start to wonder why they even play this game before realizing: Oh yeah, the money.
Taylor Swift visits President Trump at the White House. After years of tepid opposition, Swift realizes that fellow Americans just want some good old autocratic rule. What better way to avoid prosecution than befriend the man in charge? Trump gives her a Medal of Honor – claiming she served valiantly in Afghanistan prior to her Eras Tour – and Swift gives him a friendship bracelet that reads: “FEARFUL”. (Allow me to explain this joke for those of you who may not be Swifties: Fearless is the title of her second album. With Trump in office, she's now fearful. Get it?? Also, Swiftie friendship bracelets are a thing, lol.)
Speaking of texting acronyms like lol, a rather lengthy one becomes popular among Gen Z youth: IOTPRNPLAM. That’s short for, “I’m on the phone right now, please leave a message.” To most adults, we know exactly what this means – or so we think. For teenagers, it’s interpreted as: “As someone under 20, I would, like, never actually be talking on the phone – like, I don’t even know where to hold it to my ear. Don't have voice mail either. And even if I did, like, why would I ever check it? Bruh, can you take a hint? Get lost before you trigger me!” Sigh. I love kids.
And finally, all the world’s leaders gather in a peaceful retreat in Bali where they learn deep breathing meditation techniques. After five days of pondering their existence, they agree to stop investing in the military, to respect the independence of neighbouring nations, and to tax billionaires at least at the same rate as the working poor. One can always hope!
All the best in the new year!
